04 Apr 4 Ways to Navigate Aging Parents

When I was a child I believed every word my father said was gospel truth. I also believed his legs weighed 500 pounds a piece and he was invincible. I would learn quickly that he’s really a storyteller, my father. A veritable Chaucer he is, his theatrics trapped in his aging body. The stories he tells, they define me. And in the telling, he wanders between truth and theater with ease, often sacrificing a little of one for a lot of another. A necessary trip, as any good storyteller can attest to.

But time has a story too, and it is one of the great surprises in my adult life that my parents aged with me. See, I had this vague vision of my mother hanging out somewhere around her late forties while I matured into the clearly put together adult I am now. She would retain the same persona, stamina, and abilities as I continued to have babies, wave my husband off to war, and even deploy myself (whilst leaving a child behind for our family to care for.)

Alas, in news that will surprise no one but me, apparently, that is not, in fact the case. Life experience, trauma, and the inevitability of aging must have its way. So here we are, still doing an awkward, unexpected dance where the lead is changing.

4 Ways to Navigate Aging Parents

Here are four things I’ve learned as my parents continue to age.

(Editor’s note: First let me say that we are beyond blessed to still have all four of our parents alive and invested in our day to day life. I recognize that is so often not the case, and sometimes to love someone well is to walk away. Some of you may have never gotten the chance to love them at all. And for that, I ache for you. I have no words that could lessen what a great grief it must be. Just know you are acknowledged and seen here too.)

• The lead will change. Even as I still call my momma on a bad day, our relationship is transitioning. I get to encourage her more, to steady her more, to be the listening ear, to be a safe place. I need her less in a physical sense and so she can breathe a little (I hope) knowing that part of her job is done. I (and we the sisters) make more decisions, allowing my parents to rest in the knowledge they will be cared for regardless. (To be clear, they are still active, engaged members of their church and community, but the family dynamics are changing a little, and that’s okay.)

• Honor thy father and mother doesn’t stop when you leave the house, but neither does it trump the need for healthy, safe boundaries. My husband and I have discussed at length the best way to love our parents. What do they need, that we can provide, in a way that is healthy to us. For us, most often it involves intentional listening because we are many states away. And being honest about time and ability when we are unable in the moment to carve out time and margin.

• There’s no script for this. Every relationship, every story is different. And when the end of a life doesn’t look the way you expected, it’s okay to grieve, but don’t lose what you have for what you miss.

• On that note, grace is paramount. For all of us. Grace to look back and know what pain and trauma I’ve caused them, grace to learn their faults as adults and weave them into my knowledge of who they are without clouding the incredible memories of a wonderful, albeit off-beat childhood. Grace as we nurse our individual wounds and still need each other so very much. The grace only the Holy Spirit can provide.

The best news (for me anyway?) They are both still magic. They might not think Papa is Superman, but they are pretty convinced he is a pirate. And while I know he is neither, the truth is sometimes just as astonishing. Magic, I tell you.

How has your relationship with your parents changed as they age? I’d love to hear how you navigate these waters for better or worse. (Elder parents feel free to chime in – I know you are on here!)