24 Jan The Gift of Consequences

It was just an ordinary visit to the thrift store. My son seemed happy enough playing with a toy digger truck at the store while we picked out clothes. Upon checking out, he asked if I would buy him the truck and I said, “No, buddy – you already have one really similar to that at home,” which was absolutely true. He protested but left the store with us after I checked out.

Upon arriving home, I helped him out of our car and noticed some bulges in his back pockets. I looked at him and asked, “What’s in your pockets?” He had a guilty look on his face and didn’t say anything, so I looked and found two toy cell phones that he had stuffed inside his pockets while we were looking at clothes.

My husband came outside at this point and saw what had happened. He said, “I think we need to have a talk.” The three of us went into my office and closed the door so his sisters couldn’t hear us. We asked him clear questions to better understand his actions. What came out is that because I had said I wouldn’t buy him the truck he’d been playing with, he didn’t think I’d buy him the plastic cell phones, either. So he decided to take them.

His body language showed us that he already knew he had done something wrong, but we were able to have a conversation about sin: in particular, stealing, greed, and lying; and mercy: about God’s love and forgiveness (and ours) that was available to him.

And then we talked about the importance of restitution. We explained to him that we had to take the toys back because we hadn’t paid for them and we needed to tell the people who work at the store that he was sorry for what he had done (and he was very sorry).

He cried the entire way to the thrift store and was shaking with fear that the people wouldn’t forgive him for what he did. But I assured him that I would be with him at every step.

His lip trembled as he put the toys on the counter and told the cashier, “I took these. I am sorry.” She simply smiled, said thank you, and took them back.

His entire body relaxed and a huge smile broke out on his face. He literally galloped with joy to the car.

Tears filled my eyes as I watched my son realize what he had done wrong, confess his wrong, and receive the incredible freedom of a clean conscience and the joy of another’s forgiveness.

I thought as we drove home about the truth that enforcing consequences for our kids has a cost. In this case, I spent a good part of my Saturday afternoon both talking to my son and driving back to the thrift store to help him make things right.

But I’ve also learned from personal experience that not enforcing consequences for our kids has an even greater cost. When a child sees that his or her actions have consequences, he or she is able to learn and grow through them. They are able to internalize what they have done wrong, to examine their actions, to ask for forgiveness, to receive forgiveness, and to make things right.

When consequences aren’t enforced for wrong actions, they are not only denied all these wonderful things necessary for their growth and maturity, but they also leave the experience thinking that they have done nothing very wrong and likely won’t think twice about repeating the wrong again. And sometimes, the natural consequences of those actions when repeated will be even worse than the ones we would have brought in the first place.

We all have our stories of this. One that stands out in my life is the time that I was pulled over for going 100mph on an empty highway in Alabama on my way home from college. The police officer didn’t care that I was all caught up in the worship music I was singing to Jesus. He didn’t care that my speedometer didn’t go above 85 so “How could I know I was going that fast?” He simply revoked my license and gave me a temporary pass to drive my car home and then park it for six months.

The consequences of having to ride my bike everywhere on campus that semester and bumming rides off my friends for six whole months had the necessary impact. I’m definitely not a perfect driver when it comes to always going the speed limit but let’s just say nothing like that has ever happened again 🙂

It can become easy to grow weary in giving our kids the correction and instruction they need to grow and mature, especially during the “little years” when it seems we need to step in every ten minutes to have a talk.

When I feel weary, here’s a promise from God’s Word that I have clung to and continue to cling to in this parenting journey. I hope it will feed your soul today and give you strength to continue all the good work you are doing: “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

Lord, help me not to grow weary of providing my children with the instruction and correction they need to grow and thrive. When the cost in the moment seems high, help me to consider the future harvest that will follow.