01 Nov Kill Me Softly, or Thank God It Hurts

We have all heard of this one:

If you put a frog in hot water, its survival instincts would kick in, and it would try to leap out, because, you know, OUCH!

However, if you gradually heat up the water, the frog would stay put till it voluntarily becomes part of a delectable amphibian stew.

Scientists tested this.  Apparently, increasing water temperature 3.8 degrees celsius in about ten minutes prompted a “normal” frog to escape (Goltz), but when the heat delta was 0.2 degrees per minute over ninety minutes, a frog unknowingly met its own fate (Heinzmann).

Fact, or not, the moral of the story cannot be more obvious: Sudden pain makes for clear information, but gradual and deadly changes dull the senses and kill softly.

Unfortunately, some of us have gotten in the habit of putting ourselves in a “hardened” predicament, where there is always a mild nagging that “something is not right,” but we have learned to distract ourselves from our gut feelings till we arrive at the point of forgetfulness.  Some parents try to band-aid the pain of our children like there is no tomorrow.

Unconvinced that you might be a dying frog? (Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit)

Have you ever looked at your house, which is in a state of complete disarray, and feel really horrible? And then, what do you do? You turn on your computer and look at the clothes on J.Crew (maybe even buy yet another cashmere cardigan in the latest shade of teal), and you feel much better?

Or, you and your son have a huge blowout, and you are ashamed of the fact that you lose it in front of your kid. Unreconciled, you buy him ice-cream. He doesn’t want to talk to you much anymore, but he eats ice-cream till he turns twenty three, and then he goes to therapy while you still try to buy him ice-cream.

Or, you haven’t been feeling close to any of your friends.  You get more and more angry at them, and then you decide to clean your house or start a revolution. When they invite you for a night out, you are, of course, too busy.

Or, you are either fighting with your husband all the time or passively agressively mad. You swing between make up sex and dropping him “hints,” or you avoid him in the house (hope you have a big house).

Or, your kids are not listening to you.  You recite a bunch of memory verses to them while not making eye contact, and on the inside, you are angry, anxious, and feel like you are walking on eggshells.

In each of these scenarios, you take some action to make things feel better, but they are not related to the actual situation. Instead, you apply a false balm to mask the pain. This gradual pain numbing is the essence of addiction. Many of us are addicts, but few of us have enough consciousness to snap out of it and back into the pain. Then, we plunge into depression, which is the way one’s body shuts down. It is part of the process of dying.

The thing about it is that we get pain all wrong. We all try to avoid it, but we really ought to dial it up and pay attention to it so that we are aware of our own needs. Once we can identify our needs, then we can take the right steps to meet them. Attention, everyone: Pain is NOT the catastrophe. Death is.

I know a friend who, no so long ago, discovered that her son was cutting himself.  Thankfully, he is getting help now, but I cannot help but imagine that he was trying to find his pain.

If you are an addict, the first step to kicking a habit is to hit “rock bottom,” which corresponds to Kermit’s OUCH.  Pain and suffering is a great gift, because it awakens the senses to a desire to live.  When we realize our pain, then we know we have a need. THEN, we know we need a Savior. We must figure out a way to hit “rock bottom” with all our addictive behavior.

How to dial up the pain:

1. Read the Bible. There is nothing that cuts more than the double-edged sword. Remember the boy who was cutting himself? He was not far from the truth. He was just not aware that he needed the Bible more than a shaving blade. The Word convicts and brings needs to light. In fact, it brings your need for Christ to light.

2. Be in (safe) community. When people aggravate you, there is something to work with. Relationships highlight every bit of transgression and boundary disorder. Pay attention to your part of it and keep working on staying and making adjustments to your behavior (repentance).  Nobody feels your pain but yourself, so you must own it. When you can stay with messed up people and your own mess and feel a lot of peace, WOW. That is healing, right there, and it can happen by choosing to pay attention to yourself (not others, just yourself). In marriage, pay attention to yourself (not your husband). In parenting, pay attention to yourself (not your children… here, I promise you, if you repent well, your kids will learn from copying your actions more than any amount of nagging, worry and dread of their behavior…Do NOT underestimate the “plank in your own eye, speck in their eye” verse, ESPECIALLY in parenting.) Basically, pay attention to yourself. A big part of this process is to treasure yourself enough to pay attention. Stay with yourself. Do not give up on yourself. Do not abandon yourself. You are the apple of His eye. If you have doubts, take a look at the Cross.

3. Pray. Talk to God about it. You are not alone, and He is happy to be with you as you process. Nothing you feel shocks Him. He already has promised not to leave you in this process. He has promised to be faithful. He is the best candidate to listen to your problems. He is ready to help and has the power to help. (Prayer is not saying “Heavenly Lord Jesus” 12x in 2 sentences sandwiched with Bible verses in the middle and hoping for some effect. Slow down, be aware that God is there, and you are there, and have a conversation!)

4. Counseling. Look through your insurance plan and set yourself up to get help. You’d go to the doctor and spend money on cancer treatment, won’t you? Then forfeit those theater tickets and get help.

5. Figure out the core lies. Mine are: Scarcity (I never have enough time, money, talent, approval) and catastrophe (If I don’t control the situation, crisis ensues).

How NOT to dial up the pain:

Do not go manufacturing false pain like cutting yourself with a blade, or eating what you actually don’t want to eat, or shopping when you have no money or closet space, or watching porn till you have no relationship with your spouse, or creating suffering and dragging others into your pain, or instigating any kind of drama that is not related to what your true needs are.

Finally, give thanks. Give thanks that it hurts. There is hope for the one who is in pain. What does hope mean? It means the pain will end with a blessing.

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near the broken-hearted; he is the savior of those whose spirits are crushed down.

2 Corinthians 7:9-10

As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted.