29 Mar Label-Free Parenting

One of my favorite books for kids is You are Special, by Max Lucado. In the book, a little wooden boy named Punchinello lives with other little wooden people who spend all day long scurrying around sticking either black dots or gold stars to each other. The wooden people who can’t run fast, sing well, or may have a flaw in their appearance get black dots. Those who have great talents and dazzle the masses get gold stars.

Punchinello (who just gets black dots) meets a girl named Lucia who doesn’t have any stickers at all. Curious, he asks her why? She says she visits the wood carver (who makes the wooden people) every day and spends time with him, encouraging him to do the same. Intrigued, Punchinello meets the wood carver and is scooped up into the large, loving hands of his maker who tells him “You’re special. I made you. And I don’t make mistakes.” As Punchinello leaves the wood maker’s shop, he thinks to himself “I think he really means it,” and as he does, one black dot falls off his body and hits the ground.

I love this book for so many reasons but one of them has been highlighted to me recently. I spend time regularly praying with a few friends for our families and community. One time when we were discussing our children, one of my friends shared how important it is to avoid “labeling” our children or boxing them in with our words.

No “Good” or “Bad” Kids

Thinking back to our families of origin, it is easy to see labels that may have been applied to us or our siblings without thought of how those labels would define us or impact how we viewed ourselves or each other. Here are just a few examples:

“He’s the smart one.”

“She’s always been more helpful than her sisters.“

“He’s just been our difficult child from the moment he arrived.“

“She’s just not as motivated as her brother is.”

Consider for a moment some of the labels that were placed upon you as a child or teen and how they may have impacted you. Did you feel that these labels boxed you in or held you back in any way? Consider how the labels that were applied to your siblings impacted you. If one child is constantly being praised and the other criticized, it is easy to see how a wedge can be created between the two.

What can we as parents do to parent without labels? Here are just a few words of wisdom I have gathered from other older, wiser mothers over the years:

Don’t Allow a Single Incident to Define Your Child – When one of my children was very young, they bit another child. Horrified, I expressed my concern to an older mother who simply said, “Don’t allow this moment to define your child. This has happened one time. That doesn’t make them ‘a biter’.” Maybe your child got in trouble in class this week. This doesn’t make them a “trouble-maker.” Even if certain incidents do turn into negative patterns, our goal is to point them towards hope that change is possible through the grace and strength of Christ and reminde them that we are committed to walking the journey with them. Which brings us to point two…

Remember that Kids Grow and Change  – We may see that a particular child doesn’t like getting dirty at age 2. By age 4 they may be happily rolling around in it. One day your daughter may be terrified of dogs and the next week she may be begging you to bring one home. Same goes for being “athletic, crafty, social, disciplined” or any other trait you can imagine.

Consider Your Words – instead of referring to a child as “crazy” or “wild” try “spirited” or “full of life.” Using positive words instead of negative ones can shape how we, our children, and others view them and speak of them. Our little ones have sharp ears and take to heart the words we use to describe them.

Ponder How God Sees You – God speaks words of life and hope over his children. He calls them beautiful, chosen, forgiven, loved. He declares them righteous by His blood and empowered by His Holy Spirit to produce good fruits and good works. When we are discouraged by our own sins or weaknesses, God doesn’t beat us down. He holds out his hand and calls us higher. God delights in ripping the world’s labels off of His children. Let’s follow His example by doing the same thing for our own children.

Let’s allow ourselves to be inspired daily in the handiwork of God that we see demonstrated in our multi-faceted, unique children. It is an honor to walk with them and affirm them as they discover the world and learn more about how God has uniquely designed them.

“Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – how well I know it.” – Psalm 139:14 NLT