04 Mar REDEEM THE TIME

I spent most of my twenties wallowing in discontentment. I longed to be rid of each difficulty du jour so that I could move on and be happy. Recalling all the breath I wasted complaining about hard seasons (perceived or real) makes me cringe. If I didn’t like my job, I’d spend all my time and emotional energy applying for a new one instead of digging in to learn the lessons God had right in front of me. When I longed for marriage and had met the right man, I fixated on getting married. Instead of enjoying my brief period of singleness or even our engagement, I was laser-focused on the next step because then, of course, I’d be happy. For an appalling length of time, I lived my life wishing I could fast forward through all unpleasantness rather than grow in the midst of my circumstances.

For example, here’s a humble pie text exchange when I felt compelled to apologize for my insensitive moaning:

Me: Hey Kristi, remember when we were in that prayer trio years ago and I spent hours upon hours whining about how hard my life was in law school when all I had to do was sit on a couch all day and read books while you had two little kids at home, you were unexpectedly pregnant with your third, and your husband was traveling extensively? (Monkey-Hand-Over-Face Emoji)

Kristi: (Cry-Laughing Emoji) Yeah. I remember that.

Me: I am so sorry. Now I am at home with my two kids while my husband is traveling. I thought law school was hard, but I had no idea about hard. And you were so gracious to listen to me, even in all my immaturity. Thank you (Kissy-Face Emoji)

A recent comment from a friend inspired this chagrined reverie. She’s expecting her third child and struggles with being pregnant. She mentioned that instead of just asking the Lord to “get her through” this hard season, she’s asking a more beautiful question, “Lord, how do you want me to grow in this?” Her heart posture was so lovely to behold- so broken, so open, a study in exquisite vulnerability.

Man alive, I wish I had learned to ask that question when I was 17 instead of 27. It wasn’t until the last throes of law school that the Lord finally got me quiet, discontent, and hungry enough to really dig into his Word and ask, “How do you want me to grow in this?” Turns out, God’s not always about changing our circumstances to make the pain go away. Often, it’s the very circumstances we long to be rid of where he does his most holy and redemptive work. On the other hand, our journey with God isn’t just a lifelong “suck it up and like it” parade. I also spent way too many years believing that a life lived in service to God had to be terrible. That particular brand of fallacious nonsense is a lie from the pit of Hell. God is good, better than we can possibly imagine, and he loves to give good gifts to his children. He wants us to come to him with our asking and our longing. He moves on our behalf and he is in the business of miracles.

Still, there are diamonds to be mined in the darkness – bright, shiny spots of light and strength to be gleaned from our difficulty. I write this from a place of humility, as someone who has frittered away intended seasons of growth in meaningless worry and distress. If you’re reeling from a devastating loss or you’re mourning a terrifying diagnosis, that’s OK. Today is perhaps not your day to dig in and grow.

However, if you’re anything like me and you’re waiting for breakthrough, longing for relief, or craving change, take a few moments to be still. Sit before the throne of grace and sift your emotions with your Heavenly Father. His love is full of grace and truth. Answer the tough questions honestly. Do you spend most of your thought life and spoken words focusing on discontentment? Do you wish you could just get past the drudgery of your current circumstances? Do you catch yourself believing, “If X were just over, I’d be fine.”

If you answered yes to any of the above, our lavishly loving Father might have some redemptive work to do in your heart while you wait on him. I’ve seen waiting done poorly (hello Exhibit A yours truly) and I’ve seen it done well, in singleness, sickness, or yearning.

God’s timing is perfect. Romans 5 says, “at just the right time … Christ died for us.” If you let him, “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6). Dig in to redeem the time and you’ll discover shimmering beauty in the midst of struggle.