01 Oct I Saw You Here

A faint gurgle of toddler laughter drifted up the stairs as Penny danced and giggled with her Mimi. The sound was music to my ears as I nursed my sweet son before his nap. I cradled my growing boy (97^th percentile for height!) and studied the branches of the birch tree whispering in the late summer breeze. I’ve spent countless hours in this same spot in my childhood bedroom, contemplating these trees and worrying about the future, agonizing specifically over the season of life I currently inhabit. Sheesh, I thought, what a waste!

 “If only I knew then what I know now…” I thought about all the nights I laid in bed in high school wondering where I would go to college, dreaming about what I would be when I grew up. Turns out, I didn’t want to be any of the things I dreamed about becoming. I don’t even want to tally up all the hours of emotional energy I spent pining after boys who never became my husband. Now there’s a colossal waste of time! And don’t even get me started on all the sad hours spent wondering if the Lord would ever say yes to a California homecoming.

Here I am, fourteen years later, and I am blissfully, deliriously happy to be home. Next week marks the two-year anniversary of our cross-country move. It’s been difficult in ways that I didn’t anticipate, but it’s also been such a sweet fulfillment of a longed-for desire.

As I sat there thinking about all the hours I’ve spent worrying, and wondering, and wasting my emotional energy instead of trusting God, the Holy Spirit whispered, “I saw you here. I saw you here, Natalie.”

On every flight back to DC that I cried my way through, he saw me here, living in California. While I mourned every negative pregnancy test, he saw me here, nursing this sweet baby. On every anxious prayer walk that I spent crying out to God for a home, he saw me here, living a stone’s throw away from my family. While I waited impatiently for a husband, he saw me here, married to the man of my dreams. He saw me happily ensconced at Wheaton as I stressed over lengthy college applications. He saw me enjoying the company of lifelong friends while my heart ached with loneliness during my freshman year.

There’s a recurring theme here-God sees the whole of time, he sees the answers to prayers we haven’t yet prayed. Our hearts so easily become frantic about the future. We mull, we ruminate, we worry. Yet the God who made the moon and the stars has our names inscribed on the palm of his hand. We needn’t worry, he sees the whole of our lives and his goodness is woven throughout. Whether your season feels like one of want or plenty, let him whisper in your ear, “I saw you here. I knew this was coming. Nothing can happen to you outside of my hands. I am sufficient for you.”

My times are in your hands (Psalm 31:15).