02 May 4 Parenting Tips for When You are Crying in the Parking Lot

(How I feel after grocery shopping … )

The grocery store with all four children is my Everest. There are spirited discussions over cart selection, potential snacks, and seating arrangements within the selected cart. Throw in the mini carts at Giant and we’ve hit the doors having already used a large capacity of their ability to share, compromise, and process disappointment.

Recently I’ve been trying to imagine the world as my older children see it (One with ADHD). I suspect in their world the grocery aisles look something like this. Or maybe like piles of treasure that begged to be touched, examined, felt, manipulated, and given a road test. 

And at the end, after I’ve broken up foot races, whisper yelled the phrase “we look with our eyes not with our hands” at least one grillion times, refereed the screaming fight over the steering wheel in the car buggy and shut down tiny cart demolition derby, I’m so discouraged. Odds are I’m crying in the car.

I’m still wholly engaged in the battle between my pre-parenthood expectations and the reality in which we live. And feeling like a failure because they are so far apart. But the reality is that parenting (AND DISCIPLINE) is not one size fits all.

Part of our reality with neuro-atypical child/children is learning the delineation between brain/body behaviors and deliberate disobedience. And the truth of our situation is that a large part of our grocery store chaos is driven by physiological processes. And while that doesn’t negate the need to teach children how to behave in the grocery store, it most certainly changes my approach.

But here’s the hardest part….

We can’t tell the difference when we ourselves are out of control emotionally. All the parenting books I keep scouring like they are going to suddenly produce a step by step parenting guide perfectly tailored to each child and guaranteed to work, actually pretty much say the same thing: It’s on me to stay out of the emotional “red zone” while parenting my children, whatever zone they are currently inhabiting. Only then can I take the steps needed to determine if we need to practice behavior modification via rewards, or discipline using consequences for their poor choices. 

The truth is, parenting is a process, and I have to constantly prep the battlefield, with prayer and purposeful intention. So if you are having a moment, like me, in tears over your failure, remember:

1. We are playing the long game. Smash your idols and remember why we do what we do.

2. Stay out of the red zone.

3. Get to know your kids. Take the time necessary to learn what’s behind the behavior, rather than reacting to the outward manifestation.

3. Pray for connection and correction with intention!

4. And finally, make sure your children know they are fiercely loved, by you, and by a Heavenly Father who parents us both with grace.

Y’all. This is hard. But so, so worth it.

M.