21 Feb On Marriage

I pledged myself to my husband just shy of thirteen years ago. It’s been a whirlwind of deployments, moves, pregnancy, babies, loss, grief, and joy.

And still, he reaches for my cracked fingers (washing dishes eight billion times a day will do that to you), to hold it, to run his thumb across the papery skin on the back of my hands … and my soul heaves a sigh of relief. I am wholly his all over again.

His hands are strong and tanned, a tan that runs right up to his shirt sleeves and stops abruptly. A farmer’s tan for my Soldier. His nails are clean and short. No nonsense, and no lotion for these hands that can fly a helicopter right smooth down to the ground; sure hands choreographing a deadly dance of steel and smoke to carry out the wounded, the bloody, the bowed.

He’s done flying these days, but still I slip my hand in his, sure in the journey our marriage has taken us on, sure in the knowledge of how I love him more today than yesterday and will love him more tomorrow.

Truthfully, the Lord has been gracious to us in our marriage, and all that we have is only by His infinite mercy. And let’s be honest, we are young ones if you’re counting decades of wedded bliss.

On Marriage

I collected some advice from some of the Godliest, most honest people I know to share how we can all continue to flourish in the sanctifying, hard, and holy work of loving each other well.

• Honestly deal with your desires- before the Lord, in your heart, with your spouse…I often confess my behavior or supplicate on behalf of my husband’s behavior, but our transformation only seems to happen when I finally recognize my true desires, confess them, and ask God to do that fundamental work that I am not able to do but that He is more than able to accomplish: to change my desires.
• Gen 2:24  tell us, “A man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one flesh.” The key to a good marriage is thinking and behaving as one unit. Sure, you can have different opinions and personalities but your goals should be unified and in the best interest of the unit. This gives both members of the unit security and eliminates squabbling because you’re not wasting time fighting for “mine” but you’re focusing your efforts on “ours.”
• Additionally, protect yourself from outside interference, no matter how well meaning. This is one that I champion …  set healthy boundaries with both sets of parents and make your family a priority over both extended families.
• Looking for the other person to perfectly fill all your needs will lead to unmet expectations and too much pressure on another person who won’t be able to live up to that. Ask God to grow your ability to forgive/overlook and be patient. We model the gospel in how we treat each other.
• Practice humility and contentment while still caring properly for yourself and spouse. Learn that you can and should be able say NO to your spouse and hear NO from your spouse, while always desiring and working for their good. Healthy interpersonal boundaries are vital.
• God created marriage to be full of joy! (And we often need to pursue joy in a life that is often heavy and full of work!) Enjoy your spouse! Enjoy their joys! Do fun stuff together that doesn’t have to do with the kids. Seek to do things together that bring you joy together and have shared experiences.
• See marriage as a lab – that exposes your sin, and gives you every opportunity to daily, humbly, lean on the Lord to guide your steps, give you strength, and teach you to be more like Him. See it daily as the chance to put aside pride, put aside selfishness, and love as He loved. See it daily as a chance to grow in love for HIM so that He can grow your love for him.
• (This one’s from me). Pray for your spouse. Pray before your interactions, pray for intentional moments to communicate hard things. And pray for your own motives as you seek to stay connected. Also, STAY CONNECTED. Communication sounds so basic, but it is so necessary.

If I can leave with you one thing, it’s this: A Godly marriage is not an accident.

But oh, is it a gift.

I’d love for you to chime in  here with what makes your marriage more gospel-centered and grace-filled. Let me know in the comments.

M.