05 Sep Motherhood in Community

Two of my best girls, circa 2012.

This motherhood gig is a journey … sanctifying, not altogether linear, and rarely easy. Why wouldn’t we do it together?  

From my heart, and my experience – four ways to begin motherhood in community, woven and stitched from the larger mandate we have to be together as believers. 

BE GRATEFUL

Bonhoeffer, in his book Life Together reminds us, “It is not simply to be taken for granted that the Christian has the privilege of living among other Christians … it is by the grace of God that a congregation is permitted to gather visibly in this world to share God’s Word and sacrament. Not all Christians receive this blessing … The physical presence of other Christians is a source of incomparable joy and strength to the believer.”

We have such a gift in the Western world to be able to worship freely, to be able to share across our kitchen tables, the scarred wooden ones, and the ones created all across our digital online spaces.  Our ability to reach our fellow mamas has exponentially and astoundingly increased in the past ten years. And for this military mama who has collected friends across multiple continents, it has proven an incomparable treasure. Be grateful. 

BE TOGETHER

We  have a picture of what early communities of believers looked like in Acts 2 –

Now all who believed were together, and had all things in common, 45 and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need.

46 So continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they ate their food with gladness and simplicity of heart, 47 praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to the church daily those who were being saved.

Matthew Henry explains it like this … “They associated together, and so both expressed and increased their mutual love.2. They had all things common; perhaps they had common tables (as the Spartans of old), for familiarity, temperance and freedom of conversation; they ate together, that those who had much might have the less, and so be kept from the temptations of abundance; and they who had little might have the more, and so be kept from the temptations of want and poverty. Or, There was such a concern for one another, and such a readiness to help one another as there was occasion, that it might be said, They had all things common, according to the law of friendship; one wanted not what another had; for he might have it for the asking.”

Or the more modern version … perhaps heard in the voice of Josh Groban … “You raise me up.” I could write a book (I am writing a book) telling you all the ways in which the Body has born me along on my parenting journey.  Six different churches. One of which cared for my daughter while I was half a world away. Meals. Prayers. Phone calls. Coffee dates. Babysitting. (A LOT of babysitting.) All of them stitched onto my heart and into our story with a treasury of threads.

Join a MOPS group. Start a playdate, pick a prayer partner. Bring some food to a new mom. Bring some food to a single mom. Be together and you will bear one another’s burdens.

BE HONEST

And mamas – when you get in community – be vulnerable, and be transparent. Let’s be honest, in our mostly white, mostly affluent community, it is easy to hide. It is easy to smooth out the imperfections and appear put together while you are dying inside.  If you don’t reach out for help, your need may go unrecognized. It is so very important to speak up.

BE RECEPTIVE.

It’s hard to accept help. It’s hard to admit need. It’s hard to admit our perceived or actual failures. Do it anyway. And frankly, sometimes your people have the objectivity to see when you need more help than just a meal, or a night away from the kids.  I had a December long meltdown, after which no less than ten people gently suggested that I should consider counseling, and look into the possibility of post-partum issues. They were right on both counts, but it took my whole community – wholly unrelated parts, in fact, to get me in that office chair. Listen to your sisters with grace, and with a soft heart. 

Mamas, we need each other to do this journey well. Some of you, like me, need lots of others. My introvert mamas may only need a few dear souls to bear them up.

I read a quote once, about military wives, that went something like this … “She plants annuals for herself and perennials for those who come behind her.” But I don’t actually think it’s true … hear me out. 

I, the extreme extrovert-whose soul needs relationships like my lungs need air-I teared up, a little, tears of pity, I think, for the friends left behind, for the constant moves, the re-plantings. Fast friendships, uprooted in two years, one year.

Because that’s where my heart went … and how much are our relationships like this? We dig in … And it’s messy and ugly and hard and beautiful.
You have to be bare and transparent and vulnerable.

You have to be a friend to make a friend.
You have to let people into your dirty house and your messy life and your moments where you just. Can’t. Go. On.

And in the moment when that woman, that mama, who you are dying to get to know better, steps lightly over the clutter without batting an eye … seeds nestle in, tender shoots appear in rough, honest dirt.

And we feed it … with truth, with tears, with the gospel.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. and above all these, put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony” (Colossians 3:12-14).

And something grows. And each new planting, it’s different, and divine, and soul-sustaining.

 Let us plant perennials always. Let us be a source of incomparable joy and strength to each other on this wild, winding, grace filled and sometimes grief-laden path.

Mama friends, join the discussion below! Can you think of a time when your needs were met (or not) by your community? How did it affect you in the moment? How can you foster intentional community with your fellow mamas? I would love to learn from you all. 

~M.

(P.S. When I went to choose photos for this post, I was overwhelmed by the visual evidence of God’s good mercy in our lives, and so grateful for the lovely people who populate our story. In the end, I couldn’t choose between all the dear friends we love!!)